GO FISH: Greece's niftiest boutique hotel is now open (and no, we don't mean Nobu Santorini!)
Xenodocheio Milos brings Greek seafood sophistication (and a pretty cool place to stay) right to the heart of Athens
ATHENS—There we were, seated around a kitchen table at an undisclosed location near the Athens Hilton, tucking into our plates of home-cooked fish of which from the outset I was skeptical, when one of the contributors to this column—let’s for the moment just call him Phishy Philippe—choked on a barely-there bone. A full-on medical emergency ensued, which of course was no time for me to launch into a tirade about how you never buy fish at the supermarket, and if you do, make sure it isn’t from Food4Less one of its European equivalents like Lidl (which, as a German-owned company, is one we don’t boycott but also could never fully support). No, the lecture about how scrimping on seafood could save you twenty bucks but also cost you your life would only come after Phishy’s discharge from one of the many fine private clinics in the Greek capital.
2. EXT - MALIBU - AERIAL VIEW - ESTABLISHING - TWILIGHT
Sunset arrives on the Malibu coast. Pacific Coast Highway slowly comes into focus, with fancy mansions and a drone closeup of Chris Martin mowing Beyoncé’s lawn. Through the large bay window of a posh oceanfront restaurant can be seen three men with bulging wallets sitting around a table, about to tuck into several nicely-designed dishes of what looks like raw fish.
ROBERT DE NIRO (PRE-SLURP OR BURP)
Oh, to the invisible masses I say, I do think I love sushi almost as much as I love Alec Baldwin—or hate Donald Trump!
MEIR TEPER
Good one Bobby! You should really do stand-up. I was in a movie once! Hey, let’s open up another slick and unnecessary raw fish joint in Malibu that nobody but Caitlin Jenner can afford, or easily access!
CHEF NOBUYUKI "Nobu" Matsuhisa
I like it, but you’re already sitting here you two meshuggenehs! But howzabout a Nobu Santorini? That sounds kinda mmm, no?
TEPER & DE NIRO (IN UNISON)
ああベイビー！(Mmmm!)
3. EXT - ATHENS - ACROPOLIS - ESTABLISHING
“Well ok, we’ll get back to our award-winning screenplay later. The thing is, seafood is tricky. It’s our view that both cheap fish (always) and sushi (as a matter of principle) are pretty vile, and the latter precept is only more pronounced when people try to attach a luxury hook to it. It’s like saying foie gras is both scrumptious (not) and ethically-sourced (cut to: yucky French habits). So while the world’s honest travel media, or what’s left of it, is already hyperventilating over the next Nobu hotel-sushi depot combo (seems reigning champion of island overtourism Santorini’s the lucky location) we are not. For one thing, De Niro. “\_(ツ)_/¯” was invented for this guy, who like a lot of American dummies I know would probably ban anyone who isn’t an all-knowing radical leftie like himself from one of his odd and overpriced restaurants. For another thing, and more germanely, not only should the fish on your dish not be bony and not be cheap, it should not be snooty and raw either. Oxi!”
INT. - MANHATTAN - A FANCY SEAFOOD EATERY IN MIDTOWN
ANTHONY GRANT
I love this place as much as I hate January in New York. Because this feels like being in Mykonos, or Greece. Don’t you agree, Ms. Minnelli?
LIZA MINNELLI (PRE-GIGGLE)
But Mykonos is in Greece! And honey, you can call me Liza.
ANTHONY GRANT
Just teasin’ ya, Ms.—er, Liza! So, commandons-nous?
And what if I told you that that restaurant was the one on West 55th Street that could only be the gorgeous bi-level Estiatorio Milos, which along with the old ‘21’ Club has always been one of Midtown Manhattan’s handful of most renowned power-lunching spots? Well it was, and was it Liza sitting across from me? Isos, as they say in Greek…I’m not telling. But it sure wasn’t De Niro, thank heavens, and sure as Poseidon is god of the sea, an Estiatorio Milos has opened in the heart of Athens, along with…drumroll, not sushi roll…Xenodocheio Milos: The Hotel.
And the word on the street is that this restaurant is the place to eat in the Greek capital right now. We’re talking the Onassis Foundation of modern fish. Where you might sea Pavlos, Crown Prince of Greece tucking into a plate of Aegean branzino cooked to salty, flaky perfection (and let’s face it, the guy can’t chow down at the Four Seasons every day!) Keywords are: superior, originality, grilled seafood, quality, uncompromising, atmospheric, healthy, fishy-fish, indulgent.
It must be said that the gourmet eatery-posh urban bolthole hybrid does not come without precedent. New addition to the Greek capital Estiatorio Milos and hotel may be, but as we have reported somebody was doing it in Crete already a couple years ago. Which is fine by us…the yummier the hotel options, the less likely readers of this column will be to succumb to the dark side (i.e., Airbnb).
So no jokin’—and for sure no chokin’—for the bottom line is not just fish but fabulous fish. And while the Malibu mafioso can keep on doing it however they like (and charge extortionate prices to match) nobody does quality superior fish and seafood quite like the original seafarers and masters of the Mediterranean.
In other words, the Greeks.
Book now, and…
…tell ‘em the Column sent ya!