CNN, YOU'RE FIRED: Grand Canal hotel where Jeff Bezos wedding guests to stay is actually not on Grand Canal
If you don't know your basic Venetian geography, shouldja really be writing about it?
CNN is taking a lot of heat these days, and it’s not because everybody knows Anderson Cooper got his start at the network thanks to his socialite mother.
It’s not because Christiane Amanpour has been reduced to interviewing the likes of Cyndi Lauper (what, Vlad Putin’s too busy to take your calls?)
It’s for other reasons that are frankly getting to be a little boring.
But when CNN’s Barbee Matzah-Nadooux (why settle for one ridiculous name when you can have three!) “reports” (cough, cough) that Venice’s “five major luxury hotels along the Grand Canal” include the “Belmond Hotel Cipriani”, we are all like, wha?? because Barbie, they, uh, do not.
In fact, the Cipriani sits astride the Giudecca Canal, which at least in Venetian terms is completely separate from the Grand Canal and a whole different kettle of lagoon eels. Unless you’re a really good swimmer, the only way you can get there is by boat. A short journey we have made several times.
So it makes sense that if Jeff Bezos and his odious paramour are gonna get hitched on Bezzie’s biggie boatee, the H.M.S. Totally Obnoxious with registry at the the tombstone of every bookstore in America that he gleefully killed, they would have their wedding guests pre-book some of the elegant rooms and suites at the Cipriani…where we have stayed in better times, when it wasn’t part of Belmond, a fake word and faux-company which is ridiculously owned by the French.
It’s almost as bad as Italy’s biggest airline now being owned by the Germans, but what can you do.
Will Venice survive the Bezos-Sanchez nuptials? Probably. Worse things have happened on this side of the Adriatic. Just remember this, Mediterranean wayfarer: in late June when the unholy alliance occurs, people like that — the AI assassin-droids of the future? — don’t give a fuck if they ruin your access to whatever church, shop or piazza they’ve pimped out for the sake of their own insatiable m’as-tu vu narcissism.
As they say in Google translate, Congratulazioni alla felice coppia di succhiacazzi!
