You opened your hotel room door and there was a Greek cat staring at you. Here's what you do, according to a phony cat psychologist.
We spoke with one of the world's leading feline specialists, Asproula Jenkins-Goldberg, about how to cope when such situations arise.
Greek cat confidential — or not so confidential. It is no secret after all that there are many, many, as in many, cats soft-pawing their away around the fields and and alleyways of Greece. They turn up everywhere, like taxes, if taxes were cute and furry.
When you’re sitting at a taverna and you see a few kitties wandering about you know what they want and it’s easy enough to give them the few bites of your seabass or souvlaki that you can’t finish. But when you are staying at a small hotel on a small Greek island and there are cats around — trust us, there will be — things can take off in a whole new direction. We’re talking about what happens when you open your door and there is a cat outside.
What to do — do you say hello kitty — or yasou, gatoula — and move on? What if the cat tries to sneak in? Do you offer up some food and water? Do you give the cat a name? One thing you cannot do is ignore the cat, a fact confirmed by the world famous cat psychologist Asproula Jenkins-Goldberg. So we turned to the Yucaipa, California-based Ms. Jenkins-Goldberg, who after all is the author of such iconic books as “701 Ways to Annoy Your Cat” and “I Know You Love Your Cat, But Do You Honestly Think Your Cat Loves You Back You Fool?” for some hot tips:
Greek Column: Thank you Asproula for taking a few moments to speak with us about the cat-at-your-hotel-room door phenomenon. We know you have a busy schedule.
Asproula Jenkins-Goldberg: Yes, I am speaking at the annual non-binary trans cat convention in Amsterdam next week. Also, I am keynote speaker the National Alleycat Conference in Kansas City.
Greek Column: That sounds exciting. I also understand that you have spent a fair amount of time in Greece?
Asproula Jenkins-Goldberg: Yes, in fact, one of my parents, is part Greek. And let me tell you something about the cats of Greece. They are really cute!
Greek Column: I know right? So what do you do when you are staying at your hotel and there’s a cat at your door?
Asproula Jenkins-Goldberg: You should speak calmly to the cat, in gentle tones, and ask it what it wants.
Greek Column: Should the person offer the cat water?
Asproula Jenkins-Goldberg: Yes — if the cat is thirsty.
Greek Column: How will I know?
Asproula Jenkins-Goldberg: You ask the cat.
Greek Column: As for food?
Asproula Jenkins-Goldberg: The cat is probably looking more for food than water. What, do you think they’re stupid? There are many feral cats in the Greek countryside and on the islands, and they are pretty good at hunting and foraging. Just don’t confuse a hotel’s own cat, which probably lives mostly outdoors, with a feral cat — the feral cat is more likely going to be the one at your door. It is certainly okay to give him or her a few scraps from your chicken gyro. But hold the mayo.
Greek Column: What if the cat tries to enter my room? What happens then?
Asproula Jenkins-Goldberg: It is not a great idea to let the cat in, because remember while a feral cat is cute, they are pretty wild. The best way to avoid this situation is to leave the food outside your door. Then your feline friend will get the message that that’s where the food is.
That said, it’s possible that the cat wants to sleep on your bed. That is generally not advisable, because you might have to pay a feline companion supplement, and these are lean times.
Greek Column: Indeed. So, can I pet the cat?
Asproula Jenkins-Goldberg: The cat will let you know if it wants to be petted, fool. Probably the feral cats will be nervous being around humans, so don’t push it. A cat bite is not something you want to deal with, especially while you are on vacation.
Greek Column: I see. What happens if you are staying for a few days or more, and you befriend the cat? Is it okay to take the cat home with you?
Asproula Jenkins-Goldberg: In rare circumstances. Because generally feral cats are like prostitutes but with tails: they can seem appealing and almost irresistible but they see you as their client. They are providing a service to you: local color, being cute, purring, etc. And your service to them is providing some food and maybe a saucer of cold milk. So what we’re really talking about here is a transactional relationship.
Greek Column: That sounds a little cynical.
Asproula Jenkins-Goldberg: What do you want from me? I am a cat psychologist. You have to understand how cats think. They are bigger attention-whores than the Kardashians.
Greek Column: Ha ha. So what happens if the cat at the door follows me to my car? Is that a sign that the cat has developed more of an emotional bond and wants to me take it home?
Asproula Jenkins-Goldberg: It could, or it could also mean that the cat just needs a ride into town. Remember what I said about how cats are basically whores. They have been doing this for centuries. They are smarter than you. They have soft fur and cat eyes, and you don’t. They are cuddly, and you are not. These are basic cat facts.
Greek Column: Do Greek cats understand English?
Asproula Jenkins-Goldberg: Most Greek cats understand only Greek. Some do speak French as a second language. Occasionally, French is substituted with Spanish.
Greek Column: That makes sense. Also, about cars, what if my temporarily adopted feline friend wants to take driving lessons?
Asproula Jenkins-Goldberg: Most cats are pretty good drivers, with better vision than ours, although they do not have much in the way of a prehensile grasp so accidents can happen due to the fact that they cannot actually grip the steering wheel.
Greek Column: Ms. Asproula Jenkins-Goldberg, are you for real?
Asproula Jenkins-Goldberg: Spend a week in Mykonos, and you tell me. Meow!
